'allo 'allo

Yvette has brought more hot water for René's bath.
Yvette: The old boiler is in a terrible state.
René: I do not know why I married her in the first place.

Edith has just given another tuneless singing performance.
Lt. Gruber: Madame Edith has an unusual voice, René. Was it trained?
René: Oh, yes... But it escaped and returned to the wild.

Officer Crabtree: God Moaning. The resist-once have accqo-aired a bum. They are going to ex-plod the whaleway brodge.

Michelle: Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.
René: Well, in that case, could you please speak slowly?

Lt. Gruber: You notice I am walking very gingerly.
René: Do not tell me you have dynamite in your trousers.
Lt. Gruber: You should not believe everything you hear, René.

Edith: Tonight I will sing as I have never sung before.
René: What, in tune?

Officer Crabtree: I was pissing by the door, when I heard two shats. You are holding in your hand a smoking goon; you are clearly the guilty potty.

Yvette: What is happening?
Maria: We were both aroused by the banging.
Edith: I too was aroused by the banging.

Leclerc: I was aroused when I saw the girls with the candles.

Monsieur Alfonse: Perhaps Madame Edith will make me the happiest man alive...
René: I thought you wanted to marry her?

René: Are you one of them?
Lt. Gruber: Clearly it was very lonely on the russian front.
Leclerc: Is he one of us?
René: No, he is one of them!
Gruber: PLease, do not tell anyone!

Helga: Herr Flick, where are you?
Herr Flick: I am behind this screen with von Smallhausen.
Helga: May I enquire to what you are up?
Herr Flick: We have taken off our clothes in accordance with the Fuhrer's instructions
Helga: What exactly did the Fuhrer ask you to do?

Herr Flick: I have three fallen Madonnas, with six big boobies. Only one of them is real.
Helga: Only one big booby?
Flick. One painting is the original, the other two are forgeries.

Edith: René! What are you doing with your arms around that girl?
René: You stupid woman? Can you not see she's suffering from claustrophobia? She accidentally locked herself.
Edith: But there is no key!
René: Exactly, that's why she couldn't get out.
Edith: Oh, the poor child. Oh, it happened to me once. I screamed and screamed, but nobody came.
René: We thought you were singing.

Geering: The Colonel gave you a pill. Where is it?
René:I have the pill in the till.
Geering: Wheere is the vine for the General?
René: It is here in this jug.
Geering: The pill contains a drug.
René: The pill in the till?
Geering: Take it and put it in there.
René: Put the drug in the jug?
Gruber: (Comes in with the Gateau) We nearly forgot the most important thing.
René: (panic) Oh, my God! The Gateau from the Chateau!
Geering: What about the Gateau from the Chateau?
René: It contains a bomb!!!
Geering: A bomb in the Gateau from the Chateau???
René: It is to blow up the General! You must not let anyone light that fuse.
Geering: But where is the fuse?
René: It is the candle with the handle.
Geering: You do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General... Do you not see? That if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the Candle with handle on the Gateau from the Chateau!
René: Simple plots are always the best.

eheheheheheh... I just love it!!!